


Twi-pocalypse

by maydei



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack, M/M, Parody, TV Land
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-15
Updated: 2013-01-15
Packaged: 2017-11-25 15:56:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/640539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maydei/pseuds/maydei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gabriel thinks this Apocalypse stuff is getting really old. This situation calls for a Trickster.</p>
<p>Written for SRS2012 Bonus Round 0.5</p>
            </blockquote>





	Twi-pocalypse

**Author's Note:**

  * For [inkymoon](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=inkymoon).



> Written for **inkymoon** for the challenge **tropes, cliches, and formulas**.
> 
> Prompt: _Gabriel gets sick of his brother hovering around the human and decides to do something about it in his own unique way by shoving them together in TV Land..._

Honestly, it was exhausting to watch.  
  
As an archangel, Gabriel had seen a lot of things over the years; a lot of humans pining over each other, a lot of fighting over others, stupid relationship stuff that just seemed petty. And it really was — humans were such jealous creatures. They did stupid things, it was expected.  
  
Archangels were supposed to be above such behavior. Gabriel supposed that, in Hell, Lucifer probably didn't get the memo.  
  
He'd been watching his brother pine over his vessel-to-be for months, and it was honestly pathetic. Who would have thought that the great, fearsome Lucifer, who disobeyed Heaven and was cast into the Pit, would be such a softie over one little human? (But, Gabriel considered, if it was gonna be a human, it just figured that it would be a Winchester.) He'd had enough.  
  
He waited until they weren't expecting it — Sam had been asleep, Lucifer sitting somewhere alone and grousing over Sam's denial. Then, with a huge grin and a snap of his fingers, he popped them back into TV Land, got some popcorn, and waited for the show to start.  
  


* * *

  
  
_About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Lucifer was an archangel. Second, there was a part of him, and I didn't know how dominant that part might be, that longed for my body. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him._  
  
"Wait, what?!" Sam looked around in horror, finding himself in the cab of some busted-up pickup truck in the middle of some godforsaken woods in the middle of nowhere.  
  
What the hell was going on?  
  
Someone knocked on his window, and Sam was horrified to find that it was Lucifer, hands mysteriously shoved into his pockets, a pouty, brooding look on his gorgeous face and—  
  
 _NO._  
  
Sam stumbled out of the truck, body tensed for a fight as he reached for a gun in his waistband that wasn't there. How was this happening? This had to be some sort of nightmare. Some awful, rose-tinted, teenage-girl romance that he found himself in, or a bad trip, or _something_.  
  
"We can't keep doing this," Lucifer said quietly, not even looking at Sam. "I'll hurt you. I'm dangerous."  
  
"Damn straight!" Sam snapped, drawing Lucifer's surprised gaze. "Put me back; whatever you did, put me back home. This has to be breaking some sort of archangel code."  
  
"I follow the rules," Lucifer said with an offended look. "It's the angels that don't; those are the ones you're in danger of."  
  
Wait, so this wasn't Lucifer that was doing this? Then who — and then it hit him. _Gabriel_. Of course. Which meant that, not only was this awful, and not only _was_ this a bad, rose-tinted teenage-girl romance; it was _worse_.  
  
It was Twilight.  
  


* * *

  
  
"No; you are  _not_ driving me home," Sam complained loudly, despite Lucifer's protests about gas mileage and the economy. "If you cared about the economy, you wouldn't have started the Apocalypse, asshole!"  
  
Lucifer had nothing to say to that.  
  


 

* * *

  
  
Dean was appropriately flabbergasted when Sam grumbled at breakfast that there was a guy following him around. Threatening to shoot the guy with his hunting rifle or put a restraining order out with all his influence as a small-town cop, Sam made his sour protests that Dean shouldn't. Despite his longing to keep Lucifer as far away as possible, Sam knew that he wouldn't get out unless he played his role.   
  
Maybe he would just take the rifle himself, instead.  
  


 

* * *

  
  
Perhaps the only good point of the whole ordeal was having Lucifer as a bio lab partner, despite the enraptured look on his face when Sam started a blood type test. And, contrary to a lifetime of hunting, Sam found himself getting faint at the sight. Humiliating.  
  
He would have sooner rolled over and died than let Lucifer carry him from the room. Unfortunately, Lucifer carrying him was exactly what happened.  
  


 

* * *

  
  
For nearly a week, this went on — Lucifer cornering him in hallways, making Sam miss the days of personal space. Lucifer also made a point of sitting next to him every day at lunch, eating nothing, but watching the movement of Sam's mouth like he'd never seen anything more interesting. Then, all of a sudden his face changed, twisting with concentration.  
  
"What's that face for?" Sam asked with a sigh.  
  
Lucifer gave him a frustrated and bewildered look. "I can't read your mind."  
  
"Good," Sam said simply, and went back to his meal, tensing when Lucifer continued to stare at him. "Seriously, what is the big deal—?" Sam started, then bumped his lunch tray, sending his apple over the edge of the table. Lucifer hardly seemed to move before he was offering it to Sam, who snatched away with token protests about symbolism and it not meaning a thing.  
  


 

* * *

  
  
One night, Sam woke up from a gasping nightmare about the world left behind, only to realize that someone's hand was on his shoulder, and was that _Lucifer_?  
  
"What are you doing here?" Sam hissed, clutching his blankets closer.  
  
Lucifer looked puzzled. "I'm always here."  
  
"What?" Sam exclaimed, eyes huge. "Every night?"  
  
"I like watching you sleep," Lucifer admitted, looking a little sheepish. "You talk sometimes."  
  
The brunette groaned, turning away from Lucifer, who stayed sitting at the edge of his bed, and Sam could practically feel Lucifer's eyes on his back. He didn't like it; he felt twitchy and awkward. "Can't you, like, _not?_ "  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
Sam turned over, back toward Lucifer, and gave him an exasperated look. "Like, not look at me. Or just get out of my room while I sleep; it's creepy."  
  
"But I want to protect you."  
  
And damn it, Sam was _not_ going to blush, but he buried his face in his pillow and contemplated what would happen if he suffocated himself. "Look," he finally said into the cushion. "If you're going to be a creep, I don't want you towering over me. You might as well lay down."  
  
Lucifer's face lit up and was quick to settle in behind Sam, his arm finally hooking over Sam's waist and cool breath fanning against the back of Sam's neck. It was, strangely, a little comforting.  
  
When he woke up the next morning, Sam was turned around, his face buried into Lucifer's neck. He found, despite his quiet protests, he really didn't mind all that much.  
  


* * *

  
  
Sam wasn't sure if Lucifer didn't quite realize what was going on here— it seemed like his usual behavior sufficed enough that he didn't even _notice_ they were in a different world. Or, maybe it wasn't really Lucifer at all, and Gabriel was just trying to mess with him.  
  
God, but he hoped not. He'd kind of grown to like having Lucifer around, creepy and clueless as he was.  
  
Then, one morning as Lucifer waited around in his room for Sam to get ready, he heard his phone ring. A sinking feeling started in his gut; since he'd gotten here, his phone hadn't gone off at all. Not once.  
  
"Hey, kiddo, how's it going?" Gabriel's voice came from the other line.   
  
"What are you doing?" Sam hissed. "Let me out of this; let both of us out. I have things that need to be done, I have a brother waiting for me. Weren't you all about the destiny gig before?"  
  
"Destiny has taken a turn," Gabriel replied. "If you really want out, you and Lovely Lucy can come to the clearing where you first woke up. 'Ta."  
  
The line went dead.  
  
"Who was that?" Lucifer asked, his face curiously blank.   
  
Sam threw the phone against the wall, hard.  
  


 

* * *

  
  
When they showed up, Gabriel was waiting, and something in Lucifer's face seemed to click. He stepped protectively in front of Sam.   
  
"Finally got it, huh?" Gabriel asked. "I bet you were wondering why things were so nice."  
  
"You did this," Lucifer hissed. "You made it all up."  
  
"Well," Gabriel replied with a roll of his eyes and a meaningful look at Sam. "Not _all_ of it."  
  
Lucifer whirled around, looking at Sam like he was seeing him for the first time; maybe he was. "Sam," he breathed, reaching for his true vessel and holding him covetously close. "You're real?"  
  
"Yeah," Sam said quietly. "I am."  
  
"And... this?"  
  
"Yeah, that's real too," he admitted.  
  
"Mission accomplished!" Crowed Gabriel victoriously. "Good gracious, took you long enough, didn't it? Stubborn Sam." And with a snap of his fingers, they were all standing in an old, ugly motel room.   
  
"Why?" Lucifer asked, staring at his younger brother. "Why did you do this?"  
  
"Watching you pine over each other was pathetic and exhausting, and we all know how I feel about the grand family reunion that is the Apocalypse. I like this world. And if you guys can settle your differences, maybe you can fix it."  
  
Sam looked up at Lucifer uncertainly. "But you wouldn't give up so easily, would you?"  
  
Lucifer blinked, and then slowly started to grin. "Well, maybe if I had some incentive..."  
  
Neither of them noticed that Gabriel had gone, which was just as well as Lucifer leaned down to bring his lips to Sam's.

 

 

 


End file.
